My friend Jahooolah can talk to ants.
Being a trans-dimensional being (hence all the “o”s in his name) he has powers that we cannot understand. I’ve known Jahooolah for years. I think that’s where Xooox got my name from.
Jahooolah first told me about his ability to communicate with ants some years ago. For some reason it only works with ants. He told me that ants were also trans-dimensional beings, who accidentally got stuck on this planet millennia ago, just as they often got stuck in amber, once they’d arrived. Jahooolah claims they were always clumsy creatures in the past, and that is why they have such a regimented society now. It’s a form of over-compensation, he claims.
Anyway, we were sitting in my garden and he struck up a conversation with the ants living by the tree. He told them how they should live their lives in order to be more fruitful beings. I’m not sure why he felt the need to get involved. The ants seemed to be doing well, as things go.
He told them they should follow a set of rules to live their lives by otherwise, he’d get me to pour a kettle of boiling water all over their nest. He told them they could call me Shitan the Kettle-Bringer. Jahooolah was into heavy metal back then, so it was all repressed anger, fire and brimstone with him.
But anyway, they listened. They took his advice and they built their nest big and strong and lived in harmony. He left me a load of monitoring equipment so I could watch what was going on while he wasn’t here. It was fascinating stuff.
Some years later he visited again. He’d been reading his science journals and had a hankering for some experimentation. He tried artificial insemination on one of the ant queens and it worked!
Of course, he just buggered off again leaving the ant colony to it’s own devices. A bunch of them started to view his artificial progeny as something special. They’d follow him about and believed he was their link to Jahooolah himself.
Some of the ants didn’t like the upstart, so they got rid of him.
It really kicked off then! All kinds of ant factions started up, all with their own theories of Jahooolah’s progeny, and what he meant. I wanted to tell them that Jahooolah had just been trying something new; experimenting for the sake of experimentation, but they couldn’t understand me as I didn’t have Jahooolah’s powers of ant communication. They saw it as Shitan the Kettle Bringer trying to interfere.
Ant queens from different colonies all came up with their own interpretations, and all for the purpose of vying for power. Those that could convince the most ants to follow them and their crackpot theories gained power over the wider colony.
They sent emisaries out across the whole garden and into neighbouring gardens. Any that refused to believe them about Jahooolah and his progeny, were subjugated, and beaten into submission. There were some terrible scenes with the red ants from across the way!
While all this was going on, and while I was watching in disbelief through the ant viewing devices he’d left me, Jahooolah had met a trans-dimensional girl and started dating, so he had no time for the ants, or for me. Again, I tried to tell the ants that they were mistaken, that they shouldn’t place all their faith in Jahooolah; he was a bit flaky at best. But of course, they couldn’t understand me, and lived in fear of the coming of Shitan and his kettle.
Some years passed. Generations of ants came and went. Then it happened; Jahooolah’s girlfriend dumped him! He was broken up about the whole thing. He came round to visit for the first time in years. Bitter doesn’t even begin to describe his mood.
He stayed with me for a few weeks back then, and I nursed him back to a healthy state of mind. He asked about the ants and I brought him up to date with all the goings on. By this stage, I think he’d realised his mistake in getting involved in the first place, but he decided he’d do what he could to try to fix it. He got talking to one of the ants, trying to gauge the feeling on (and under) the ground.
Jahooolah tried to talk to the ant, and lay down some more good rules to live by. Of course, given his own recent history, there may have been a few bitter comments about women and their place in society, but I’m sure it wasn’t intentional. Merely a reflection of his bleak state of mind.
I was hopeful that this latest intervention by Jahooolah would calm things down. That an element of peace and cohesion would return to the various ant colonies now living in my garden.
But I was wrong.
As soon as Jahooolah was gone, things just all kicked off again! They haven’t settled down even now, some years later. If anything, things are worse.
I keep trying to get Jahooolah to come back and sort the situation out but he’s decided it’s best not to interfere. A bit too late for that, in my opinion, but what can I do?
The ants are ruining my garden. I could never sell my house with it all in this state. It used to be such a nice garden but the ants are now destroying it all, inch by inch.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not ALL Jahooolah’s fault. The ants are power mad, and consuming everything in sight. I just can’t help but think though, that if they weren’t all at odds with each other about Jahooolah’s messages, they’d be less blind to the devastation they were causing.
I think it will soon get to the point where I have no other option than to take the kettle to the lot of them, in order to save my garden.
I guess, if there is a moral to my story, it is this: if you’re going to interfere with the well being of a species, then make sure you see it through to the end. Don’t just bugger off and leave them all to Shitan the Kettle Bringer.