San Jefe (SJ): Hello. And on today’s Dealings With Trans-Dimensional Beings we’re talking to Agragax The Invicible
Agragax The Invincible: Hello.
SJ: Welcome to the show. Now, Agragax, forgive me, but I can’t help notice that, with your leathery skin and flesh eating maw, you really bear a striking resemblance to the alien from the popular Predator movies.
Agragax: That’s right, that was me.
Agragax: Yes, I was very friendly with the director, John McTiernan, at the time, and he was looking for a cheap alternative to all those make-up costs, and well, I felt obliged to help out. Of course, once you’ve starred in one, you’re kind of stuck with the franchise then.
Agragax: This is merely the projection of my form in to your dimension, not my true appearance. Although I do think it’s quite snazzy.
SJ: Yes, well, So, Agragax, tell me, what are you working on now?
Agragax: Good of you to ask. You see, I’m currently working on you.
Agragax: Yes. Well, all of you. Humankind. We’re thinking your time is at an end.
SJ: Time is at an end?
Agragax: Good lord, no. Just yours. Humankind’s.
SJ: But why?
Agragax: Well, you see, you’re such a disappointment. You squabble and argue and kill each other and the living things around you. You’re not happy with your lot in general, so we’re kind of thinking this planet would be better without you.
SJ: We? Who are we?
Agragax: The we I am referring to is myself and a group of trans-dimensional beings who like to set up species on planets and see how they evolve, how they get on and get to grips with reality. If they do well, they get the chance to join us. If not…well.
SJ: But how can you say we haven’t done well? We’ve created civilisation, we’ve explored the world and started to explore the solar system. What does “doing well” mean to you?
Agragax: Take the ants…
SJ: I wish you would
Agragax: Excuse me?
SJ: Sorry. Nothing, just an aside. An “in joke” if you will
Audience: (looks at each other and shrugs)
Agragax: Ah. OK. So take the ants..
Agragax: Did you just say “smirks”?
SJ: No. It’s in parenthesis; it means I smirked. Please, carry on.
Agragax: Well, the ants are a vastly superior race to you humans. They’re not in the least bit selfish. Everything they do is for the greater good of their colony. They’re not worried about why they are here, or the cost of the latest iphone etc. They just get on with it.
SJ: So what do you propose, we just step aside and let the ants take charge.
Agragax: Ha! No, not quite. There’s two options on the table at the moment; first, a complete cull, or secondly, a partial cull.
SJ: A cull?! Are you going to kill us? Do you mean to eat us?
Agragax: Heavens no. I’m no monster. No, we don’t mean to kill you off immediately. We would just reduce your fertility levels and let your species die out slowly. No one would suffer. With a partial cull, we may just keep your numbers very low, till you reverted to a lower level of intelligence where you couldn’t harm other species around you on the same scale as you do right now.
SJ: But don’t we have a say in all this? It’s our species you’re meddling with.
Agragax: Hell, no. Your species doesn’t have anything like the level of intellectual maturity to be involved in a decision on this scale
SJ: Well, this is all a bit depressing.
Agragax: Not at all. I mean, imagine your so called British Isles here, restored to their natural pristine woodland state, from shore to shore. How much better would that be than your motorways and your urban decay!?
SJ: Hm. I suppose. But let’s change the subject. So, tell me about your name. Where does “The Invincible” reference come from? No doubt it refers to your battlefield prowess? Your reputation for sweeping whole worlds away?
Agragax: Oh no. It’s all based on my skills at trans-dimensional chess.
SJ: Trans-dimensional chess?
Agragax: Yes. It’s much like the game of chess that you play here, only all the pieces are purple with a nice silvery trim.
SJ: But how do you know who’s pieces are which?
Agragax: That’s half the skill. I knew you wouldn’t understand it.
SJ: That’s just ridiculous!
Agragax: You’re one to talk. You’re making up this whole ridiculous blog post!
SJ: Don’t do that!
Agragax: Don’t do what?
SJ: Crash realities like that. Don’t do it!
Agragax: But I’m a trans-dimensional being. That’s what we do!
Audience: (looks at watch and starts heading for the door)
SJ: Where are you all going?
Audience: We left the kettle on