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Category Archives: Dealings With Trans-Dimensional Beings

Agragax The Invincible (An Interview)

San Jefe (SJ): Hello.  And on today’s Dealings With Trans-Dimensional Beings we’re talking to Agragax The Invicible

Agragax The Invincible: Hello.

(Credit: boysonthebus.com)

(Credit: boysonthebus.com)

SJ: Welcome to the show.  Now, Agragax, forgive me, but I can’t help notice that, with your leathery skin and flesh eating maw, you really bear a striking resemblance to the alien from the popular Predator movies.

Agragax: That’s right, that was me.

SJ: Really?

Agragax: Yes, I was very friendly with the director, John McTiernan, at the time, and he was looking for a cheap alternative to all those make-up costs, and well, I felt obliged to help out.  Of course, once you’ve starred in one, you’re kind of stuck with the franchise then.

SJ: Indeed.

Agragax: This is merely the projection of my form in to your dimension, not my true appearance.  Although I do think it’s quite snazzy.

SJ: Yes, well,  So, Agragax, tell me, what are you working on now?

Agragax: Good of you to ask. You see, I’m currently working on you.

SJ: Me?

Agragax: Yes. Well, all of you.  Humankind. We’re thinking your time is at an end.

SJ: Time is at an end?

Agragax: Good lord, no. Just yours.  Humankind’s.

SJ: But why?

Agragax: Well, you see, you’re such a disappointment.  You squabble and argue and kill each other and the living things around you.  You’re not happy with your lot in general, so we’re kind of thinking this planet would be better without you.

SJ: We?  Who are we?

Agragax: The we I am referring to is myself and a group of trans-dimensional beings who like to set up species on planets and see how they evolve, how they get on and get to grips with reality.  If they do well, they get the chance to join us.  If not…well.

SJ: But how can you say we haven’t done well?  We’ve created civilisation, we’ve explored the world and started to explore the solar system.  What does “doing well” mean to you?

Agragax: Take the ants…

(credit: guardian.co.uk)

(credit: guardian.co.uk)

SJ: I wish you would

Agragax: Excuse me?

SJ: Sorry. Nothing, just an aside.  An “in joke” if you will

Audience: (looks at each other and shrugs)

Agragax: Ah. OK.  So take the ants..

SJ: (smirks)

Agragax: Did you just say “smirks”?

SJ: No. It’s in parenthesis; it means I smirked. Please, carry on.

Agragax: Well, the ants are a vastly superior race to you humans.  They’re not in the least bit selfish. Everything they do is for the greater good of their colony.  They’re not worried about why they are here, or the cost of the latest iphone etc.  They just get on with it.

SJ: So what do you propose, we just step aside and let the ants take charge.

Agragax: Ha! No, not quite.  There’s two options on the table at the moment; first, a complete cull, or secondly, a partial cull.

SJ: A cull?!  Are you going to kill us?  Do you mean to eat us?

Agragax: Heavens no. I’m no monster. No, we don’t mean to kill you off immediately.  We would just reduce your fertility levels and let your species die out slowly.  No one would suffer.  With a partial cull, we may just keep your numbers very low, till you reverted to a lower level of intelligence where you couldn’t harm other species around you on the same scale as you do right now.

SJ: But don’t we have a say in all this?  It’s our species you’re meddling with.

Agragax: Hell, no.  Your species doesn’t have anything like the level of intellectual maturity to be involved in a decision on this scale

SJ: Well, this is all a bit depressing.

Agragax: Not at all.  I mean, imagine your so called British Isles here, restored to their natural pristine woodland state, from shore to shore.  How much better would that be than your motorways and your urban decay!?

English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt...

(credit: Wikipedia)

SJ: Hm. I suppose.  But let’s change the subject. So, tell me about your name.  Where does “The Invincible” reference come from?  No doubt it refers to your battlefield prowess? Your reputation for sweeping whole worlds away?

Agragax: Oh no.  It’s all based on my skills at trans-dimensional chess.

SJ: Trans-dimensional chess?

Agragax: Yes. It’s much like the game of chess that you play here, only all the pieces are purple with a nice silvery trim.

SJ: But how do you know who’s pieces are which?

Agragax: That’s half the skill.  I knew you wouldn’t understand it.

SJ: That’s just ridiculous!

Agragax: You’re one to talk.  You’re making up this whole ridiculous blog post!

SJ: Don’t do that!

Agragax: Don’t do what?

SJ: Crash realities like that. Don’t do it!

Agragax: But I’m a trans-dimensional being. That’s what we do!

Audience: (looks at watch and starts heading for the door)

SJ: Where are you all going?

Audience: We left the kettle on

(credit: coachkristenkelly.com)

(credit: coachkristenkelly.com)

 

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Jahooolah The Ant-Man

My friend Jahooolah can talk to ants.

Being a trans-dimensional being (hence all the “o”s in his name) he has powers that we cannot understand.  I’ve known Jahooolah for years.  I think that’s where Xooox got my name from.

Jahooolah first told me about his ability to communicate with ants some years ago. For some reason it only works with ants.  He told me that ants were also trans-dimensional beings, who accidentally got stuck on this planet millennia ago, just as they often got stuck in amber, once they’d arrived.  Jahooolah claims they were always clumsy creatures in the past, and that is why they have such a regimented society now.  It’s a form of over-compensation, he claims.

Fertilised meat eater ant queen beginning to d...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway, we were sitting in my garden and he struck up a conversation with the ants living by the tree.  He told them how they should live their lives in order to be more fruitful beings.  I’m not sure why he felt the need to get involved.  The ants seemed to be doing well, as things go.

He told them they should follow a set of rules to live their lives by otherwise, he’d get me to pour a kettle of boiling water all over their nest.  He told them they could call me Shitan the Kettle-Bringer.  Jahooolah was into heavy metal back then, so it was all repressed anger, fire and brimstone with him.

But anyway, they listened.  They took his advice and they built their nest big and strong and lived in harmony.  He left me a load of monitoring equipment so I could watch what was going on while he wasn’t here.  It was fascinating stuff.

Some years later he visited again.  He’d been reading his science journals and had a hankering for some experimentation.  He tried artificial insemination on one of the ant queens and it worked!

Of course, he just buggered off again leaving the ant colony to it’s own devices.  A bunch of them started to view his artificial progeny as something special.  They’d follow him about and believed he was their link to Jahooolah himself.

Some of the ants didn’t like the upstart, so they got rid of him.

It really kicked off then!  All kinds of ant factions started up, all with their own theories of Jahooolah’s progeny, and what he meant.  I wanted to tell them that Jahooolah had just been trying something new; experimenting for the sake of experimentation, but they couldn’t understand me as I didn’t have Jahooolah’s powers of ant communication.  They saw it as Shitan the Kettle Bringer trying to interfere.

Ant queens from different colonies all came up with their own interpretations, and all for the purpose of vying for power.  Those that could convince the most ants to follow them and their crackpot theories gained power over the wider colony.

They sent emisaries out across the whole garden and into neighbouring gardens.  Any that refused to believe them about Jahooolah and his progeny, were subjugated, and beaten into submission.  There were some terrible scenes with the red ants from across the way!

Miners

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While all this was going on, and while I was watching in disbelief through the ant viewing devices he’d left me, Jahooolah had met a trans-dimensional girl and started dating, so he had no time for the ants, or for me.  Again, I tried to tell the ants that they were mistaken, that they shouldn’t place all their faith in Jahooolah; he was a bit flaky at best.  But of course, they couldn’t understand me, and lived in fear of the coming of Shitan and his kettle.

Some years passed.  Generations of ants came and went.  Then it happened; Jahooolah’s girlfriend dumped him!  He was broken up about the whole thing.  He came round to visit for the first time in years.  Bitter doesn’t even begin to describe his mood.

He stayed with me for a few weeks back then, and I nursed him back to a healthy state of mind.  He asked about the ants and I brought him up to date with all the goings on.  By this stage, I think he’d realised his mistake in getting involved in the first place, but he decided he’d do what he could to try to fix it.  He got talking to one of the ants, trying to gauge the feeling on (and under) the ground.

Jahooolah tried to talk to the ant, and lay down some more good rules to live by.  Of course, given his own recent history, there may have been a few bitter comments about women and their place in society, but I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.  Merely a reflection of his bleak state of mind.

I was hopeful that this latest intervention by Jahooolah would calm things down.  That an element of peace and cohesion would return to the various ant colonies now living in my garden.

But I was wrong.

As soon as Jahooolah was gone, things just all kicked off again! They haven’t settled down even now, some years later.  If anything, things are worse.

I keep trying to get Jahooolah to come back and sort the situation out but he’s decided it’s best not to interfere. A bit too late for that, in my opinion,  but what can I do?

The ants are ruining my garden.  I could never sell my house with it all in this state.  It used to be such a nice garden but the ants are now destroying it all, inch by inch.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not ALL Jahooolah’s fault.  The ants are power mad, and consuming everything in sight. I just can’t help but think though, that if they weren’t all at odds with each other about Jahooolah’s messages, they’d be less blind to the devastation they were causing.

I think it will soon get to the point where I have no other option than to take the kettle to the lot of them, in order to save my garden.

I guess, if there is a moral to my story, it is this: if you’re going to interfere with the well being of a species, then make sure you see it through to the end. Don’t just bugger off and leave them all to Shitan the Kettle Bringer.

 
 

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Visit From Xooox

I was visited by an alien last night.

I wasn’t expecting it, to be honest. I’d just settled down with a book and brew.

“Hello” said the alien.

“Hello” I responded.  “Can I make you a brew? The kettles just boiled.”

“No, thanks. I don’t, with being a non-corporeal being and all” I should probably explain; this alien wasn’t one of those little grey fellas you see on the TV.  He was more of a shimmering light floating about eighteen inches off the top of my sofa.

With hindsight, asking him if he fancied a brew was probably a stupid question.

“So, why are you here?” I enquired (recovering from my shock, my questions were becoming a little more relevant)

“Oh, you know, just bobbing by”

“Are you going to give me an anal probe?”

“Well, I could if you wanted, but I’d prefer not to. Is this something you often ask of house guests?”

“No” I responded, relieved. “Not usually”.

We chatted for a while.  I asked him his name.  He said it didn’t really translate well into our language, but would sound something like “oooooooooooooo”.  He said he liked to add an “x” at the start and the end so it was spelt “Xooox”, to break up the vowels and sound a little funky.  I suggested he could have put the x’s in the middle, but he had some kind of beef about that.

Conversation with an alien isn’t as easy as you might imagine.  They’re generally not interested in local weather, or the football.  So I asked:

“How old are you?”

“Why?”

“I was just interested”

“Oh. Well, I’m not sure how to answer to be honest.  Do you measure time based on your planets circulatory pattern of the local star?”

“Erm. Yeah”

“OK. Well, in that case, I guess I’d be about 37 million circuits by your reckoning”

“37 million years old!?  Wow.  That’s really old.  And I was worried about approaching 40.”

“37 million of your years isn’t that old you know! Your planet is 4.5 BILLION years old.  Do you have any idea how big a number a billion is?”

Mission: Earth, Voyage to the Home Planet

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Well, it’s fairly big I suppose” was the best response I could muster.

“If you sat there and counted to 4.5 billion, it would take you about 140 of your years.”

“Does that include toilet breaks?”

“No” replied Xooox.

“It’s pretty amazing though isn’t it?” I asked

“What is?”

“This! Here I am sat here, a sentient life form, talking to another sentient life form from a completely different planet!  I mean, there really is other life out there.  Of all the flukes and quirks and chances involved in creating life, and then evolving to sentient life, that two sentient beings from different planets should ever meet like this is just amazing.  The odds must be minute!”

“Not at all! Life is common. Almost inevitable really, in the right conditions, and given enough time.”

“Really?”

English: Euglena freshwater single celled orga...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Oh yes. Most definitely. Listen: your planet is 4.5 billion years old.  Yet within 500 million years, by about 4 billion years ago, life has already formed as single-celled organisms.  It took another 2 billion years before they started to develop into the first complex cells, and it was 1.2 billion years ago by the time multi cellular life forms appeared.  Half a billion years ago you started to see the first back-boned fish and by 400 million years ago, you started to see life on the land too.  By 250 million years ago, your dinosaurs were in charge and remained so for almost 200 million years.  Your species has only been about 2 million years in comparison.

“But my point is” Xooox continued “that life appeared very quickly in the history of your world, as it does in many others. In fact, life has been present for 4 billion of the 4.5 billion years your world has been in existence. It didn’t take that long, in relative terms, to get started, and then marched consistently on from that point”

“And now it’s culminated in our existence. Humans! Sentient species.”  It was starting to make sense to me now.  We were the end result of 4 billion years of life and evolution!

“Hardly!” responded Xooox with a chuckle

“What do you mean?” I asked, sharper than I’d intended.

“Well, look at you.  I mean all of you. As a species.  You’re hardly the culmination of anything.  Sure, you’re sentient, to an extent, but you’re not the end result.  Just another dead-end I’m afraid”

“What do you mean, dead-end?”

“Listen: over 99% of the organisms that have ever existed on your planet no longer exist.  Why should you be any different? And what makes you think you are the culmination? The end game?”

“Erm”

“You’re not the end game.  You’re just another dead-end, I’m afraid”

“So what’s the end game?”

“I can’t tell you that.  You wouldn’t understand it.  You’re still tied to your corporeal world”

“So should we evolve into something like you?”

“Possibly. Eventually.  But not your line.  Your line isn’t a keeper. More a throw-away draft.”

“Well if not humans, then who?  Chimps?”

“Listen, I need to get going.  I’ve hung around too long, but thanks for the chat.” Xooox started to fade.

“No, wait…you’ve got to tell me…is it the chimps?”

“….no……you’re thinking too laterally….” Xooox responded faintly

“No? Erm….the birds?”

“………..no………..” came the almost inaudible response

“Not the ants?!”

“…………………………”

I bloody hate ants.

 

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