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Category Archives: Cojones Generales

Lunchtime Walking in Burtonwood: A Cautionary Tale

There are three distinct stages of shock that can be experienced by the modern gentleman, as can be illustrated via a retelling of my lunchtime walk around the village whilst sporting my finest walking pants and cane.

Stage 1: Mild Shock

In this instance caused by the sight of front seat, vehicular shenanigans in the lay by opposite the local brewery. Symptoms may include blushing of the checks and slight trouser discomforture.

Stage 2: Breath-taking shock

Experienced myself upon hearing the cost of such roadside assistance, after taping on the vehicle window with my cane and enquiring politely of the lady within. I almost dropped my monocle! 

Stage 3: Apoplexy

The swoon, or dead-feint. Experienced myself upon realising I’d left my wallet at home.
The moral of this tale: never leave home without your wallet!

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Posted by on September 12, 2016 in Cojones Generales

 

Big Brother XXIII: Live From Mars

(credit: Mars-One.com)

(credit: Mars-One.com)

I just read this: BBC Coverage of Mars One Mission

Wow!

Imagine that!  Looking for volunteers for a one way ticket to Mars to star in a reality TV show!  That’s just brilliant, and mental at the same time.

It’s true.  Here’s the link to the company website: Mars One

Can we really just send people off into space like that these days, with no hope of return?  It is essentially a suicide mission isn’t it?  It’s not like the days of Columbus and Magellan, as the BBC article would suggest; wouldn’t human rights prevail? And say we sent them out there and after a few weeks, the viewing figures dropped.  What then?  Would they be abandoned? Who would pay to send supplies out if the show was a flop?  What laws would cover this?  What laws would cover any actions whilst on the planet?  Would Mars be sponsored by the popular chocolare bar?

I’m proud to say I’ve never watched Big Brother, but I’d watch this!  Assuming the Big Brother model is followed, sending a load of brain-dead celebrity-wannabes to Mars, for ever, sounds like a really good idea.

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap vi...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Obviously there’d be a high attrition rate, as they keep nipping outside to top up their tan, forgetting the high levels of radiation and low levels of breathable air.  It would be fun to watch though.

Perhaps for the celebrity edition of the show they could send the entire cast of The Only Way is Essex and Geordie Shores.  Again, I’d be guaranteed to tune in.

And how long before they hit on the idea of sending criminals?  Mars could be the new Australia!

As well as criminals, could we send politicians?  And sports presenters?  And any one associated with Sky News?

Oh, and drivers that think they own the road.

And door to door salesmen, or anyone involved with PPI claims.

And religious nuts.

In fact, sod it, it would be easier if everyone stayed here and I went to Mars alone!

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2013 in Cojones Generales

 

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Post Apocalypse Fashion Tips

I’m feeling much more positive about the apocalypse lately.

Let’s face it, it’s going to come, and probably sooner rather than later (I’ll pick this theme up elsewhere). To be honest, all the dreary, depressing imagery was really beginning to get me down.

(credit: digitalspy.com)

(credit: digitalspy.com)

However, after watching episodes of hit TV shows like Falling Skies, The Walking Dead and now Revolution, I’m feeling much more positive about the whole thing.

The reason why?

Well, whether the end of civilisation is brought about by aliens, zombies or a loss of electricity, it would seem personal hygiene and fashion sense is increased exponentially.

 

 

(credit: collider.com)

(credit: collider.com)

That’s right! I always assumed that, following the apocalypse, the dregs of humanity that remained would be a foul smelling, dirty mass wearing rags ofbattered clothing and matted hair.

But no. According to TV’s finest writers, the end of civilisation promises better grooming than any preceding epoch.

Yes, most men will have beards or stubble, but it will always be finely trimmed.  Hair will be slightly longer than average, and slightly tussled, but neither matting nor involuntary dreadlock will mar the otherwise immaculate appearance of the average post apocalypse good guy.

As for the women, malnourishment will leave them with perfect figures and well trimmed eyebrows. There will not be a single unshaved leg or armpit (they obviously hide the last few razors from the stubbly menfolk) and, although no TV series has yet been generous enough to prove my theory, I suspect they all sport Brazilians, rather than some kind of spider graveyard.

(credit: blog.tvguide.co.uk)

(credit: blog.tvguide.co.uk)

Actually, the more I think about it the more I think the post-apocalypse wouldn’t really suit me.  I struggle with facial hair and would, at best, be able to produce a tufty, scraggy effort on the stubble front.

The doomed future isn’t for the likes of me after all.

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2013 in Cojones Generales

 

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Snowy Day in Late March

It was a rare occurrence, but every so often the earth would grind to a halt on it’s orbit about the sun and suddenly swing into reverse.

And then spring would once again be awash with winter snow.

Next the dead leaves would jump back into the trees like bungee jumping lemmings and before you knew it full grown sheep would be casting nervous glances at their ever shrinking lambs.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2013 in Cojones Generales

 

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Black and White and Purple

I’m not a big believer in absolutes.

Too many people only see things in black and white.  It either is or it isn’t; it’s right or it’s wrong.  I think such simple terms can rarely be applied in practice.

I studied law after leaving school, so maybe my perspective is down to that; looking at everything from multiple angles, arguing every case for and against. Not that I took up law for a living.  I always felt it was an interesting subject, but a dull lifestyle choice. But, hey, what do I know?

Anyway, black and white always seemed far too simple for me.  Not that I’m a fan of grey.  Grey is also dull.  I like to see things in shades of purple.  Prince knows what I’m talking about.

Life isn’t simple.  It isn’t split into well delineated categories.  It’s complex, without some infinite book of rules to tell us how to respond to a situation.  Our decisions are the result of a lifetime of experience, or lack thereof. What makes them right or wrong?  Perception?  Group assessment?  Peer review?  A holy book?

In my view, we’re all just talking monkeys.  We’re apes that have grown too big for our trees.  There’s no purpose, no right or wrong, somehow written into our existence.

We’re just here.  Evolutionary quirks and freaks, everyone.

We’ve no manifest destiny.  We’re not subject to the whims of stars or gods.  We just are.

So do I believe we can just do what we want?

Well, technically, yes.  But that road is bleak and leads to chaos, so it’s not one I advocate.

If we’re here, why not enjoy it?  Everyone likes to be happy, don’t they?  So do what makes you happy!

But, in a purple world, there needs to be conditions on that.  To be happy, you need to live in a condition that enables you to be happy, where people are not preventing you from being happy.  Also, for other people to be happy, they need to live in a condition that enables them to be happy, where other people (including you) are not preventing them from being happy,  Therefore, if people focussed on making themselves happy, but not to the exclusion of others being happy, we’d all be happy. Wouldn’t we?

Is it really that simple?  Probably not.  It’s more purple than that in practice.  But it’s a start.

This is obviously nothing new.  It’s been said before: “do onto others as you’d have them do onto you”.  It is a simple concept.  Not that I’m a religious man (you’ve probably gathered that from the above) but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise that some religions have had good ideas from time to time! (Purple thinking in action).

So if this idea is so simple, why aren’t we all happy?

Probably two main reasons:

  • we’re all only focused on the first part, making ourselves happy, to the exclusion of the latter part, making others happy
  • we’re probably chasing the wrong things to make us happy in the first place, focussing on quick fix happiness, rather than long term happiness.

There I go using that “wrong” word again.  That’s not very purple of me.  But you get my point, don’t you?

Maybe if we focussed on the people around us and how we can influence their happiness, rather than just focussing on how they could (or even should) make us happy, we’d find that just making them happy made us happy in the long term.

Afterall, we talking monkeys are such simple purple creatures.

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2013 in Cojones Generales

 

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